Real People

Fun fact! Actors are actually real people and not the roles they play in TV and film, though some actors have indeed perfected the art of playing themelves in TV and film.

Also, not pictured, C3-P0.

NASA Files

Here's my pitch, Hollywood: A group of smart, sexy young NASA scientists drive around the country in their souped up, high tech yet super hip retro van, solving mysteries. There could be a wise cracking robot involved. Big ratings!

Since this is a fictional NASA, you could bust out all kinds of cool technology for different episodes - like super silver giant balloon.

Or a robotic snow tank for the Christmas episode.

Just for example! Shit writes itself, really.

Contact me via this post to discuss terms.

World's Finest

I just got the leaked script to 2015's "Superman and Batman". Apparently, the two will team up (with Robin) to stop some kids from illegally swimming.

Should be awesome.

A great disturbance in the Internet

You may have felt strange the other day, for reasons you couldn't explain. Let me: Ben Affleck was named as the new Batman, and nerds across the Internet screamed out in nerdy rage. It was epic, and one of the things I love best about the Internet - nerd panic.

But fret not, fellow nerds. Ben will be fine. Look at this history of Batman for proof:

As always, click for big. Pretty cool - Batman is by now an iconic hero in just about worldwide mythology. I'm a bit disappointed the 1940's TV movie shorts were not included, but alas. Check out the history of the Bat logos in more detail:

Modern mythology is wicked awesome, and if you've avoided it in the past, due to the nerd association, I would advise you to let go your embarassment, your pride, and dive in to the world of comics - the modern hero mythology of the 20th century, and going strong in the 21st.

As for Ben, he'll do fine. I worry about the overall focus of the movie (Superman and Batman) far more. I really enjoyed the new Superman movie and am disappointed it's not getting its own sequel, rather than sharing one with not just Batman, but a new Batman. Don't blame Ben. Blame D.C..

In the meantime, imagine the Batman of your dreams and how Affleck will ruin it for you.

May the Internet be with you.

Ads from a hidden land

A real ad! From Japan, where Hollywood Big Shots are free to sell any old product in all sorts of odd ways. An Ewok-Lucas-Wookie kebab? Why not? Back in the day, no one in America (the only important country in the world, of course) would ever know. For example:

Arnold. This was not the image he portrayed in America in the 80's. What does that say about each country? 

Buy Boss! A scowling Tommy Lee Jones commands you!

Sex Trek 2: Star Sexier

So - apparently - this Star Trek porn homage is taking off. Here's a cast pic from one of the latest. Pretty impressive, actually. I haven't seen the "movie", so I can't speak to that.

It's funny they chose The Next Generation because it's without a doubt the least sexy Trek. The Original Series is clearly the sexiest.

Hey! That's Olivia Munn, beloved of nerds everywhere. But truly, the original fashions rocked:

That's right, ladies - it's a working retro tricorder! Ready to be scanned?

TNG and DS9 were both unsexy, as was Voyager when it started. But then ratings sagged, the network execs stepped in, and we got 7 of 9. The same crew that brought us the sexiest Borg ever also gave us the super-extreme amped to the max sexy Enterprise!

Even though it was the future, it wasn't the super future, so in order to remain free of alien bacteria and space germs, anyone returning from a planet would have to lather up in the Decon Chamber. Preferably, hot chicks and dudes and a dog. Imagine the creative team behind Enterprise creating this "set" - "OK, we got to show more T&A, and we don't have a holodeck. What to do... what to do... DECON!"

Enterprise was a transparent attempt to "Sex up" Trek after the supposed blandness of TNG through 1/2 Voyager. It failed, equally transparently. But that won't stop those slick Hollywood execs from trying to make the next Trek sexier still.

To be fair, at times, few and far between, Enterprise had some cool moments. Check out this segue!

No doubt pandering to nerds like me, but I can't begrudge any mainstream reference to Sagan.

Gotta Get 'em All!

I wanted this so badly, but never got it. I got the "Cloud City Carbonite Chamber" set instead - not nearly as exciting, though somewhat macabre. My 3rd grade friend David Epstein had it, and I visited often for this reason. Davey wore a Star of David and looked Jewish and was in fact the first Jewish person I ever met, and the only Jew I would know until college. Where I met many, and to this day most of my best friends are Jewish, and I love them all dearly.

Unfortunately, back then, the only thing I knew about Jewish folk was the Holocaust (WW2) and slurs. Many slurs, which I, to my shame, engaged in as well. I didn't know any better.

I liked Davey a lot and I got introduced to bagels - which were marvels in my family. So ethnic! He also had the Falcon, and I associated this with being rich - IE being Jewish, who were all rich, as everyone said. I had a revelation in college about this memory, since Davey lived in the same California slum I lived in, he could not have been "rich". The slurs had colored my perception, my very memories of a cool time in my life - since I got along smashingly well with the entire Epstein family.  I have learned many lessons about this experience, all of them good, I think.

One of them: don't ever get too comfortable with your perceptions - they can be altered by the culture around you. You must be able to step back and see the bigger picture, the wider world, the reason behind the reality. Only then can you feel somewhat confident you're fair in your assessments. But even then, ever and always on guard.

And with that, I give you ironic Star Wars products:

Hungarian or some such knockoff. Note the calculator used in the photo.

This was really the Jawa's fault - who else ratted out the location of the Skywalker moisture farm? Like Obi-Wan said, it wasn't Luke's fault, and he could have done nothing to stop it, and probably would have been killed as well. And R2 is to thank for this stroke of luck, showing again how all the Star Wars movies are really about R2.

Or a sled. Wells had no idea what he was missing out on.

These are the Voyages

Bravo to the dude who, so many movies ago, came up with the meme: Hey! Let's make a porn parody! And thus, a never ending stream of puns was born.

Of course, there are parody Star Trek porns - go ahead and ask the Great GIS, if you dare. You probably shouldn't. Unless that's your thing. Anyways:

I've heard surprisingly good things about this one - regarding the production quality. I mean, look at those actors - they had to fly in the bald dude from England! They've got the whole TNG cast, in porn version. Including, I'll note, shapely Ensign Ro.

I'd never heard of this one before GIS told me. However, from my brief perusal, the production qualities are not as good.

There should be a "Hef Law": Any technology will first be used for porn. I bet the first piece of data sent on the internet was ( @ Y @ ). Or not. I won't take that bet.

I Love the Classics

She's smiling because she knows the subtle pleasures of logic.

Also, Ms. Lisa could totally lose like 5-10 pounds and be super hot. Or get some botox, girl! Tone that face up, you know, more cheekbone.


Also, too: You might be confused over the flow of posts below. Don't be! Blame it on the Great Blogger Outage of Aught 11!

Pawns in Another's Game

Stormtrooperdog

Ewokdog


Ewokdog would win, of course, based on the Hollywood rule that in a conflict between an advanced civilization and a primitive one, AND the movie is aimed at least in part at children, the primitive side wins everytime. Latest example, Avatar.


And with that, we're off!

Asteroids - The Movie!

Seriously. Universal Studios has an Asteroids movie in the works, after winning an intense bidding war for the rights. Yes, indeed, an Asteroids movie. Here's a "leak".

Now, back in the day, and many days after that day, I was something of an Asteroids wiz -- I have achieved the second highest score possible in the game (99,980; 99,990 is the highest possible score in Asteroids, as the score goes back to 0 once you hit 100K). Now, getting this score takes a lot of skill, as you have to selectively shoot targets in a very controlled manner in order to get that score and not roll over. So, bravo me!

In order to become good at Asteroids, it is necessary to play a lot of Asteroids. A lot. And so I did, and while playing, a lot, I came up with a plausible back story: The Asteroids are the nursery of the alien ships; the human based triangles have invaded this alien space, and are engaging a genocidal war against said peaceful, asteroid dwelling aliens. Having no choice but to defend themselves, they launch their lame spacecraft to try and take out the evil human triangle ships. While achieving some success against less experienced pilots, alas, they are fairly helpless against Aces. And thus, the genocide against the Asteroid Aliens continues apace....


Don't think the Hollywood version will use that plot however; but close -- they will invert the good/evil focus no doubt, such that the aliens have launched an Asteroid cloud at earth in order to destroy it, and a brave group of humans (Vin Diesel, Nic Cage, and Megan Fox) are all that stands in the way of humanity's end. Think it will have a happy ending? Sequel bait (the sequel will of course involve the adding of shields to the triangle ships)?

Finally, never forget: Hyperspace is for emergencies only.