Forgiving Jar Jar

Are we ready to forgive Jar Jar? Or is it still too soon?

Hood

Long did the fans wonder: Who was this man, and what was he carrying?

He's participating in the Cloud City evacuation, of course. But you knew that. He's on screen for about 1.5 seconds.

After deep deliberation the Internet determined this is a space age ice cream maker. And who would want to leave that behind if your Cloud City was about to get blasted?

Given the Rule of Lucas #3: Anything that can be marketed will be marketed - the Internet in its great wisdom divined that we need only wait for a name for this dude. Given Star Wars novels, comics, and relentless toy machine, it was only a matter of time until he got his own action figure. And voila!

Lucas has made it so: Willrow Hood. Space age ice cream maker and deputy of security, sector 23. 

Of course the other black guy on Cloud City is named Hood. Subtle.

A Mid Life Nerd Crisis

The Chrysler Turbine Car, 55 of which were manufactured in Detroit in 1963. The car could run on almost any fuel, including, as I have just learned, tequila. Read here. As you'll also read in the Wiki, the car was shown at the awesome 1964 World's Fair.

My theory, based on nothing but my own speculation with no research: The CTC was the direct inspiration for this most awesome of cars:

Now, of course, the Batmobile (1966) is waaaaaay cooler. But you can see the resemblance in the rear, in the fins, and of course the gas turbine engine.

If'n I were one of them rich as Croesus Dot.Com UberNerds I'd take a stab at buying the Batmobile right about now, or at least building a replica. Then I'd be happy, for sure. Cuz everyone knows once you have the coolest car, you win. Game over, man.

If I also owned the "Han Frozen in Carbonite" sculpture I could truly proclaim myself KING OF THE NERDS.

But of course, that wouldn't be enough, would it? There'd always be some other ironic yet awesome collectible out there to obtain, or stop someone else from obtaining, because that's all this life really is, right? A neverending game? You'll never know the rules or the score or even the team colors, but you'll play all the same. What choice do you have? It's that or "Price is Right" Loser Music as you exit, stage left. And we shan't have that, amirite?

How does Space Kitty breathe?

And what would Space Kitty eat, if no daring starship comes along and hides inside her? I mean, really. How ridiculous!

The Temporary Objects of our Permanent Desires

The "Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite". Another collector's item, though not nearly as special as the Celica below. There's lots of replicas of this one, although I believe this picture above features one of the props used in the actual movie, giving this nerd nerd-cred for nerd-millennia. And sure, it's a striking centerpiece, and a conversation starter, but what can you do with it?

As opposed to:

A primo coffee table.

 A stylish yet practical desk.

 Or of course a quick and easy - but hilarious! - costume.

Open your minds to the possibilities, my fellow nerds. 

Celica Grail

In my sojourn across these digital wastelands, in search of "Star Wars Car (go ahead and look it up, and behold the wonders!)", I cam across these references to a "Star Wars Celica". I had to know more, so, of course I did.

 It was 1977. Wondrous times. Star Wars had only been out for a few months, but had already lit a spark in the world. A local Toyota dealership in Southern California thought it would be nifty to pimp out a new Celica with Star Wars flair.

 This is before George Lucas got a complete stranglehold on all merchandising and/or the power to crack down on any who would use his characters without paying him a tithe - this is an important detail for later in the story!

 And a close up on the prize insert:

 But alas! The winner of this one and only (that's right! The pictures above show the only known "Star Wars Celica" ever created) is unknown, and more importantly, the current wherabouts of the car are unknown -- even if it still exists. We might ask her:

 70's style! Ain't it awesome? Anyways, needless to say in this Age of Fetish Collecting, finding and possessing this car has become a "grail quest" for a small, small band of Star Wars nerds out there. There's few good leads, only historical documents to prove such a wonder ever existed at all. But maybe you know where it is? If so, secure it and get thyself to Christies! I bet it's worth millions if in good condition.

That said, my hunch is either: The car was long ago scrapped, by foolish people in the past who had no idea how valuable cheap junk truly was, or, more likely: George Lucas himself has it, hidden away in one of his many underground lairs, and he keeps it hidden, forever, if only to spite any who would dare not license from him.

I'm not looking, mind you, but may the Force be with you if you are!

More in Subtle Tortures

Never in my life did I think I would need to figure out how to segue from a Giant Space Otter - but here I am! I spent some time thinking about it, but this thing is fluid, man, and I can bend anywhich way.

Above is Lucas encased in Carbonite. This doesn't really apply to Lucas, since from what I can gather he's quite enamored of his Star Wars, but imagine, if you will, being caught in your own creation - you're an artist, a writer, a musician, whatever, working hard, beating the streets, struggling to pay the bills, etc yada.... then you make a breakthrough! One of your creations becomes successful, and if you're "lucky", hugely successful. You are completely validated, as well as rich. All your dreams come true....


Until years later, after several tours of the ComicCon, or yet another sequel, or having played the same song 10000 times and each and everytime you are expected to act like it's the first time... some might call this Hell.


Not me, of course, since there's no such thing. But it is a subtle torture, no doubt - to be cursed by the burden of the very thing you struggled to obtain. Tragic!




If only someone would free George from the Carbonite of his mind.... alas. I believe it's too late for him, son.
Also, too:

Unmasked

From left to right: Han Solo, Darth Vader, Princess Leia, Chewbacca, R2-D2, and Lukey Skywalker.

Please take a moment to think about all the midgets who no longer get roles in movies and TV shows thanks to CGI technology. Hundreds of midgets were employed for the original Star Wars trilogy, but in the prequel, just a couple, and the rest were computer animations. For shame Hollywood! Our shortest actors need work too!

The Truth Shall Set Ye Free

So redo the movie again, George, and get it right this time!