Best Ass in the World, 2009, Female Division

Apparently, according to my sources, this is a real event: The Best Ass in the World Competition. As you can see, both genders compete, no claims of sexism here! That said, Brazil always wins, and all other nation's asses are getting a bit chaffed by this obvious favoritism.

This is real genetic selection in action, of course, and if I can extrapolate, Brazil will utterly dominate the entire world in about 1000 years. Space too, probably, because of their awesome asses. Make a note of it!

And get on the Stairmaster if you want to do something about it. For example:

USA! U!S!A!

Starving for Fashion

Ivanna is like clothes hangar for your fashions. Everything fits!

But seriously, wow! Obviously a serious eating disorder, and without doubt encouraged by the profession, because the decision makers had decided "thin is in" and someone is always going to go further than every one else, and here we have a skeleton revealed, with apparently some sort of sweater you should consider buying for an incredibly high price.

How odd! That in our warped displays of sexual attraction - the end all be all of 96% of all human behavior - we could veer so far from sexually healthy. Meaning, most sexual displays are intended to show how virile and fit we are as an individual, and thus good breeding stock. And this premise is not human, but rather a function of higher lifeforms, and even more so, these multitudes of behaviors are not ours or any creature's, but rather the sum expression of our genes. Our genes want to reproduce, and we are the vehicles for them to do so.

And thus I ask this poor lady's genes: Speak up!

Finnish Fashion

Some Finnish hipster kids. From a Finnish fashion blog, here. Enjoy!

To belabor the rant, let me make some superficial judgments: These kids have their own mobile phones, they play video games a good portion of the day, they chat, they text, they watch a lot of tv. What are the odds they're whiny brats? Or will grow up to be selfish jerks? Since their Finnish, perhaps less than were these lads American, but the odds lean that way. In my opinion!

How can these kid's lifestyles compare to the lives of the kids in the post below? Not much. And so you see - OBJECTIVELY - how the kids these days (since 1945 or so) are taking this world to Heck in a Hand Basket, and all the Old Coots are right: These young whipper snappers are ruining everything!

Don't get me wrong - I grew up in front of the tv and had one of the first Atari home game systems - Pong ruled, dawg. I'm fully immersed in the generations undergoing this transformative shift. I'm just a hypocritical fossil and like to Lament shit. But I'm up front about it.  My generation sucks, as does my Fathers, and I'm sure the generations to come will suck just as much. We all suck!

The kids these days

I'm getting old. I can sense a change in my perception over the last few years where things no longer look the same - young people on the TV look SOOOO young, but I know they're in their early 20's. But they look like kids now, and not so long ago they looked like my peers. This perception shift, with the corresponding shock at "the kids these days!", is a universal feature of getting old, and many have a hard time dealing with it without becoming cantankerous old coots.

So my rant: The kids these days! With their mobile phones and texting and piercings and generally sullen behaviors! But seriously: Imagine most kids lives over the past 60 years or so, compared to the life the kids in the picture above lived. No doubt they're living on a small farm, working hard every day, with no tv, no radio, no electricity for cryin' out loud! Candle light readings of the Bible then to bed at 8 to rise before dawn and work all day long again. Sound like fun? Hell no!

But I guarantee these were serious, dutiful children who seldom complained and were respectful of their parents and traditions. Is this good? Not entirely, but is that not a type of person we as a society say we want? Isn't that an ideal? 

Maybe. I think it at least used to be. But today? Whatever feels good, do it.

In conclusion, it's a common thread throughout all of human history that the older generation thinks the younger generation is going to hell - the Greeks were bitching about the poor morals of young Alexander's generation. You hear it all the time, from old people of course. So clearly, this is a subjective and often erroneous judgment, since younger generations can of course be "better" than their parents. But I propose that with the full blossoming of the Industrial Revolution circa 1945, a large percentage of humanity changed from the norm that existed for all of human history, and that in fact we today live in a remarkably unique time where Technology has at last completely and utterly changed us as a species.

We're going through the awkward teenage years now, armed with nukes. Perhaps if we survive, we'll mature alongside this magical Technology, and truly achieve our potential: To spread everywhere, deep into space.

So take note, young people! The absolute survival of humanity as a species depends on YOU getting your act together. Cut your damn hair for starters!

The Softer Side of Sears (1958)

Angels of the night, in red and pink flammable lace, bearing torches testifying their undying love for you. Till they burn up. Wait, did people still use candles as a regular lighting source in 1958? Inquiring minds want to know. This is a scan from the 1958 Sears Catalog. You remember that, right? Not 1958, mind you, but the Sears Catalog. I sure do - I'd spend countless hours reviewing the toy section, then the sports and camping pages. By the time I would have appreciated this

I had moved on to Cosmo and the "Sports" Illustrated swimsuit issue. Times change. Anyways, check out these ladies! The body type is still generally considered "ideal", save perhaps for the lack of breast implants. But now, consider this:

Hark! These girls were considered chubby in 1958. Also, "chubby" was a perfectly acceptable marketing word. Awesome! But behold how thin these girls are compared to the bloated fatbags that make up a goodly percentage of children (and adults) today. What's happened? Unbridled wealth? TV? Wal Mart? Republicans? Probably!

You Are What You Eat

Would you like a tall glass of "Just Corn Syrup"? If you drink any soda, you do. Enjoy! Of course, in this new age of "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle", after slurping down a big tasty cup of "Just Corn Syrup", you get:

Mmm... Super Tangy! And don't let "Man v. Wild" fool you - you can't drink piss. But you could sure eat this:

It wouldn't be pleasant, most likely quite painful, and probably not very delicious. But you could eat it! Leading to:

Mostly organic!

Many folks have wondered about the meaning of life. Maybe you have. Well, it's arguably to make poop. Now, snigger if you will, but seriously, that's what life does: It consumes some materials (materials = energy as E=Mc2) and than excretes others after using the material for sustenance. Life is an energy processing machine, taking one thing and turning it into another - and that's how the Universe evolves. Deep, huh? Deep doodoo.

Also, this is how you can train your kids to pick up after the dog:

A real product!

Ads from a hidden land

A real ad! From Japan, where Hollywood Big Shots are free to sell any old product in all sorts of odd ways. An Ewok-Lucas-Wookie kebab? Why not? Back in the day, no one in America (the only important country in the world, of course) would ever know. For example:

Arnold. This was not the image he portrayed in America in the 80's. What does that say about each country? 

Buy Boss! A scowling Tommy Lee Jones commands you!

Faceless

That's the appeal, right? The anonymity? The faceless soldier in a war far grander than you'll ever gather? The Brotherhood that is losing one's self and taking on the same identity as so many others? Or is it all the chicks Stormtroopers get?

Big in Japan. Oh yeah!

I think the Trooper here is the umpire, which makes no sense. But then, have you ever watched Japanese TV? It's crazy!

Like these dudes. Every bachelor party in Japan has a Stormtrooper.

And every museum has a Stormtrooper exhibit.

I wonder if anyone has written a thesis on the conflation of the Stormtrooper with the Samurai. There's a Grad degree there!

I Think I'm Turning

See if you can identify all the characters here. You should be able to, with a bit of consideration.

So, maybe this is an obvious statement, but since reading Lord of the Rings I've noticed how many other stories seem heavily influenced by it. But then, it could easily be said LOTR is heavily influenced by other tales - Nordic mythology, of course, but also Greek and Roman. Perhaps all stories are influenced by all other stories, and this is our collective mythology - a notion nicely detailed by various Joseph Campbell works.

Three examples from Star Wars: Emperor = Sauron; Death Star = The Ring; Storm Troopers = Orcs.

I can defend these examples verbosely if you doubt me!

Bonus question: Who is this? 10 Nerd points if you get it correct.

Also too:

 

Shogun Star Warrior

Now this is art! Nerd millionaires should fund artists who can produce this quality of fanart. And then hang it on their expensive, tacky walls. Culture!

It seems this scene - Cloud City Father Confessional - has become myth to a large portion of humanity. It's wonderful to see it happen before my eyes, mythmaking in action. How long it lasts is anyone's guess, but the Star Wars mythology is going strong for now.

As a nerd, I must insist on pointing out Vader really had little to do with the various Death Stars - which are central to the entire storyline, including the prequels. He was just a lackey; everything was all about the Emperor.

Art du Vader

The Prequels in many ways ruined the character of Darth Vader. Whereas before the Prequels there was an evil villain who still possessed a core of good, after the Prequels there's a whiny brat who just doesn't like being told what to do.

That said, like most things with the Prequels, the concept is good: The corruption of a Savior. The execution, OTOH, well, it was lacking. Alas!

Maybe someone else can remake the prequels in 2040 or so, after Lucas has become one with the Force. A good story never truly dies, nor is it ever owned by its author.

Indeed. If you hit the right mythological notes, your story will become common human currency. Who doesn't know all three characters in this painting, for example?

Why not call it the "Peace Star"?

Sure, the name "Death Star" conjures up fear and dread, and while that is ultimately the point, of course, why not use Orwellian language to tart it up a bit, make it more "brand" friendly? That is, the "GALACTIC EMPIRE" is not a force for evil, but rather peace and order, and justice. You can still be cold rollin' around blasting planets, but it plays way better in the Space Media to hear "And meanwhile in other Space News, the "Peace Star" was forced to neutralize the TERRORIST planet of Alderaan in order to prevent their immanent launch of deadly Space Missiles. Now, over to Bill with Space Sports."

Also, it's not really so much a star as a moon, ironically. So why not "Peace Moon"? Who could object to a Peace Moon?

Driven by War

Premise: Most if not all technological advances in human history have been driven by war and/or the threat of violence. Stone tools, the bow and arrow, the sword, the wheel, gunpowder, you name it. Everything advances or disappears according to a Darwinian beat: Eat or be eaten, even if it be metaphorical.

Without violence or the threat thereof, how else to keep the Regional Governors in line?

Sometimes a Giant Cannon

Is just a giant cannon, and cannons need cannonballs, since otherwise, what's the point? Cool statue? Sure, but that's not why you make a cannon, especially a giant one. And this one here - in Russia - might be the biggest cannon in the world, meaning of course Russia has the biggest gun, ergo, the biggest dick in the world.

But really, not phallic!

Also, nice work on Vlad's part picking his puppet. You've got to have some real confidence - and leverage - to appoint someone to your rightful role as ruler of the Empire, and let them know they're just keeping the seat warm. They could, after all, get a bit hooked on the POWER and then make a move on you. Wonder what the deal was? Doubt we'll ever know, though I assume violence and murder is implicit in it. Isn't it always, ultimately?

Putin Fetish

Imagine....

You're a fish, living your fish life deep in the sea, swimming in the inky black, darting amongst rock and debris, and then a light! What is this? The sun, come down to the bottom of the ocean?!

PUTIN! Under the sea.

So you know, there's an insignificant yet interesting group of people who live on the internet that enjoy sharing pictures of the world's coolest puppetmaster, Vladmir Putin. Why? Probably some deep psychological damage. Anyways, here's some more pics!

Shifty looking, even as a youngin'. Great things lay ahead, but Communism posed a serious threat to young Vlad's awesomeness.

But yay! Communism was defeated, personally, by Saint Ronaldus Reaganus the Greastest, and Vlad bloomed into the loveable tyrant we know today. Puppy loving badass:

Just chillin' on his super yacht, cold building Orthodox Churches, y'all.

George and Vlad

Now, you see, I'm the leader of the Free World. And that means I don't have to answer any questions. Now, watch me drive. Heheh.

You listen to me. I look good in this ridiculous blouse. You, on the other hand, look like a fool.

Ha ha. Stupid American.

Mainstreaming the Fringe

Most of our current problems with the traitorous Republican party started here, with Richard Milhouse Nixon. Don't forget that Nixon started his pro Pol career as a Commie Hunter during the fun time McCarthy red scare era. Nixon was the prototypical neo con - paranoid, power hungry, and ruthless. His "Southern Strategy" set the current political map with the wholesale switch of the racist South from Democrat to Republican. His many crimes - both International and Domestic - are now badges of honor for the craven and blood thirsty "Conservatives". FSM help us all if this ever comes to pass:

Anywho, Nixon also began the ruinous mainstreaming of the fringe nut jobs that have always existed in America, but were for the most part marginalized and excluded from the political process. The Wing Nuts:

Have you ever heard of these guys before? Check 'em out, at the Wiki. They got their start viciously attacking Dwight Eisenhower, of all people, and have only revved it up since then. But they used to be mocked, scorned, ignored by all corners of power. Till Nixon. Till the Right Wing resentment machine got cranked up. Creating monsters like:

Tucson, AZ, January 2011. Rush has been spewing poison and bile for decades now, emboldening guys like this, filling his head with hate:

And all too often these days, some truly disturbed individual actually puts down the marker and construction paper and picks up some of his FREEDOM guns:

Where oh where would this guy get the idea to shoot up a small political event in front of a store?

Naw, just a co-incidence, right? Also too, I find this amusing, not in the sense that there's anything funny or wrong with some Saudi's sitting on the Board of Directors of a major multinational. But when it's Newscorp?

Funny, right? Fox News, your 24/7 source for Muslim bashing and fear mongering, is 7% owned (good enough to be the 2nd largest shareholder) by Saudi royalty. I wonder if Glenn Beck ever drew that up on his Chalkboard?

Fun times!